why it's not helpful to put someone down for being offended on the internet

[sophiaserpentia]

As a feminist and a leftist i get this a lot: the implication that if i find something offensive which they did not -- or especially if it is something they found funny or amusing -- that i am overly sensitive and, if i am so easily offended, maybe i shouldn't be using the internet.

Look, please don't say this to people. It's not helpful.

If i say i found something offensive, or even say i can see why someone might be offended, i am not implying that you're a horrible person for finding that same thing amusing. If i happen to think someone is a horrible person, i'll say so, but it takes a lot for me to think that.

But, here's why this upsets me.

Reaction A: "Oh, that offended you? Huh. I was actually amused by it."
Reaction B: "Oh, that offended you? Huh. I was actually amused by it. I guess you must just be really sensitive. If you're so sensitive, maybe you shouldn't even be on the internet where people can hurt you."

Reaction A is a simple expression of "Okay, i didn't have the same reaction." It's fine for people to not agree on things or have the same reaction.

Reaction B goes further and belittles you. It's is exactly the same as, "Why can't you take a joke?" But someone who says this may as well also be saying, "If people can hurt you by doing/saying X, maybe you shouldn't do anything you find fun or even leave the house." Because it's not just a game or an internet forum where someone might be triggered, it's anywhere and everywhere you go.

Reaction B is victim-blaming because we don't choose what triggers us. "Triggering" is when something random and unexpected reminds you jarringly of a traumatic event in your life. It's especially frustrating when something insensitive done or said by someone else triggers you. Again, we don't choose to be triggered by something. Also, not everyone is triggered by the same thing.

So when you say Reaction B, you are blaming someone for being triggered by something. They aren't going to read your comment and say, "Oh, gosh, you're right, i'm choosing to be offended by something so little and silly," because their response wasn't a choice in the first place.

Comments

[sophiaserpentia.livejournal.com]

Yes. :) Thank you!

[jungianslip.livejournal.com]

I so wholeheartedly agree with this. In verbal abuse survivor communities, it's stated that saying hurtful things and then telling the wounded party they're too sensitive is, in fact, verbal abuse. From my own experience, this is incredibly damaging in how it makes you doubt yourself to the point of having no frame of reference.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

I am going to pass around links to this post. You said this very well.

[arkadelos.livejournal.com]

"As a feminist and a leftist i get this a lot: the implication that if i find something offensive which they did not -- or especially if it is something they found funny or amusing -- that i am overly sensitive and, if i am so easily offended, maybe i shouldn't be using the internet."

That same statement applies to me. Only, for me, it would be "as a feminist and a conservative..." I was verbally attacked by liberals for years because I found certain things offensive, and it did result in emotional trauma.

[sophiaserpentia.livejournal.com]

Yeah, trauma is no respecter of political beliefs.

[flewellyn.livejournal.com]

Well said! *hoists a glass*

[shutterbug.livejournal.com]

(linked here from wlotus)

All I have to say is, "Why do people think they can be insensitive about other people's (potential) sensitivities just because they are on the internet instead of in person?!"

What the hell has gotten into people that we don't even think for a moment that everyone has a right (and the potential) to be equally amused or hurt over something, regardless of medium? Bah.

Plenty of empathy from me. *hug*

[scream4noreason.livejournal.com]

Recently I was offended by some comments left on my journal and another person said " But it's the internet, not real life ", meaning,because it was written on the internet, it was okay to be rude, nasty and obnoxious, as if it had happened on some other plane of existence. I find this attitude particularly prevalent in under-30s I have dealt with online.