the importance of civility
Mar. 12th, 2005 10:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sophiaserpentiaA few years ago, I was co-moderator of an online discussion group meant as a debate forum for men's activists ("masculists") and feminists.
Helping the Israelis and Palestinians talk things out might be like a vacation in comparison.
It was very instructive in several ways. One thing I took from that experience is the importance of being civil. There were times I had to scold list members for being uncivil, at which point I would get all manner of responses -- the most rare of which was contrition. The most interesting was this: "The real profanity here is [insert other person's views here]. You'll let their evil be propagated, but you won't let me say 'fuck'?"
And so, maybe it seems trite or petty to focus on someone's incivility when there is all manner of vehement debate going on. But what I learned was this: once civility is thrown out the window, it is much more difficult for people in a discussion to keep in mind each participant's common humanity. The other person is dehumanized a bit, made into an "opponent" rather than a "fellow human being." It may not be impossible for understanding or communication to occur after that, but it is much less likely. Incivility is the first step on the path to hatred; co-opt it, and you go a long way to co-opting hatred.
Brain science tells us that when we smile, even when we are unhappy, it forces the brain into a calmer and happier state. Breathing slowly and deeply when you are anxious forces the brain into a calmer state. And so it is with civility -- even when it is plastered on over vehemence, a veneer of civility maintains the chance that real understanding could take place.
I will admit that I have not always managed to be civil. I am not perfect; I try to make amends when I realize that I have been rude or condescending.
In my journal, I actively seek and welcome debate. My journal is a forum where I discuss my thoughts and research and thinking, and I find it keeps me from becoming too insular if there are people around who will point out my errors. Not everyone who comments here might want to debate their points (and they are not obligated to do so), but usually when one person backs out of a discussion, someone else will take up her or his side. And so it goes. But the requirement is -- and bear in mind I shouldn't really have to tell you this -- that people who comment in my journal are expected to strive for civility. I won't unfriend you or ban you at the first uncivil comment. I might after the second or third, though, especially if I have asked you to stop and you persist.
Helping the Israelis and Palestinians talk things out might be like a vacation in comparison.
It was very instructive in several ways. One thing I took from that experience is the importance of being civil. There were times I had to scold list members for being uncivil, at which point I would get all manner of responses -- the most rare of which was contrition. The most interesting was this: "The real profanity here is [insert other person's views here]. You'll let their evil be propagated, but you won't let me say 'fuck'?"
And so, maybe it seems trite or petty to focus on someone's incivility when there is all manner of vehement debate going on. But what I learned was this: once civility is thrown out the window, it is much more difficult for people in a discussion to keep in mind each participant's common humanity. The other person is dehumanized a bit, made into an "opponent" rather than a "fellow human being." It may not be impossible for understanding or communication to occur after that, but it is much less likely. Incivility is the first step on the path to hatred; co-opt it, and you go a long way to co-opting hatred.
Brain science tells us that when we smile, even when we are unhappy, it forces the brain into a calmer and happier state. Breathing slowly and deeply when you are anxious forces the brain into a calmer state. And so it is with civility -- even when it is plastered on over vehemence, a veneer of civility maintains the chance that real understanding could take place.
I will admit that I have not always managed to be civil. I am not perfect; I try to make amends when I realize that I have been rude or condescending.
In my journal, I actively seek and welcome debate. My journal is a forum where I discuss my thoughts and research and thinking, and I find it keeps me from becoming too insular if there are people around who will point out my errors. Not everyone who comments here might want to debate their points (and they are not obligated to do so), but usually when one person backs out of a discussion, someone else will take up her or his side. And so it goes. But the requirement is -- and bear in mind I shouldn't really have to tell you this -- that people who comment in my journal are expected to strive for civility. I won't unfriend you or ban you at the first uncivil comment. I might after the second or third, though, especially if I have asked you to stop and you persist.
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no subject
Date: 2005-03-12 07:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-13 01:52 am (UTC)I would not come to your house and make you an "opponent" instead of a human being. In particular, I shy away from
hyper competitive blow hardinga certain style of spirited debate in your journal, LB's, and here. As you ladies don't seem to care for it.I will admit to really wanting your voice in some of the conversations I get to see around here.
btw
What was up with your reply yesterday? Since I know, in this respect, my mother raised me correctly; I think I must have come across with something very different than I was intending.
no subject
Date: 2005-03-13 04:28 pm (UTC)In regard to internet debate, I've got 168 hours a week and I try to use them wisely, in the ways that most edify, grow, and amuse me. I like conversation and I particularly enjoy debate, pretty goddam serious pull no punches debate, but once I identify someone as a time waster in some sense or another, I usually move on unless there is some serious mitigating factor. If my only contact with the person in on the 'net, there's less likely to be that mitigating factor. I'm pretty fortunate in terms of having a life that's richly peopled with folks who are smart and very interesting to talk to, who don't waste my time or bullshit around or try to put words in my mouth, etc. Maybe it's a midlife thing, but I've totally lost my taste for headbutting that isn't productive for me personally. I figure what I've got is pretty good, and I try to hang with people who have stuff I think is pretty good. And btw, I think you're pretty good ;)
no subject
Date: 2005-03-14 12:21 am (UTC)You only say that because of the massive internet crush that I have on you.
no subject
Date: 2005-03-12 08:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-12 09:44 pm (UTC)*nod*. The Monkeysphere!
no subject
Date: 2005-03-13 02:02 am (UTC)Not me.
I only apologize if I didn't intend to be condescending or rude. There are tons of times when I know perfectly well what I am doing and don't care.
WAY WAY off topic
Date: 2005-03-14 12:27 am (UTC)So two things
1. What kind of strategy games do you play?
2. That's a lovely picture of you.
Re: WAY WAY off topic
Date: 2005-03-14 03:15 am (UTC)2. :) Thank you!
Oh Avalon Hill..
Date: 2005-03-14 03:30 am (UTC)