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There was a large (and still ongoing) discussion in ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
sparkindarkness's journal yesterday about if or when trans people are obliged to declare their trans status -- particularly in the case of someone who is post-operative transsexual who is beginning to date. I just wanted to distill some of the excellent points made.
Here's where I stand: you do not have the right to demand that someone disclose that they are post-op transsexual, not even someone you're dating. It is none of your business, because it doesn't concern you. You have the right to expect disclosure on matters that do concern you, such as whether or not the person you are dating has an incurable contagious disease. But not on things that will not affect you or will not make any tangible impact on the relationship.
Dozens of people posted pretty much the same comment: that they would be disappointed if they were dating someone post-op transsexual who did not disclose. They see it as an honesty issue: whyyyy wouldn't the person I'm dating feel they could share everything with me?
Thing is, most trans people have been burned time and time again by people they loved and trusted and thought loved them in return. (I subscribe to Andrew Vachss' view on love, that love is the way you act rather than the way you say you feel, so to kick your child out of your house because you do not approve of how they identify is to show that you do not love them, no matter what words you say.) Disclosure could cost them everything, even though someone who is post-op transsexual probably views the matter as being resolved and therefore of little relevance even in their own lives.
(As a non-op transsexual I disclose quite early, but that's only because none of my options are really all that great, IMO.)
And to those who say, "Well, just don't form relationships with people who are not accepting," I would say (1) circumstances and options are not always that open, (2) people deserve love, touch, and affection, and are not required to hold out until they find the absolute perfect partner before receiving it, and (3) you might think you know how people will react but you can never know for sure.
Accepting what I'm saying here means accepting that the world is not a perfect place, and that relationships are not always ideal.
But there's also very good reasons why someone you're in a relationship with should not be "required" to disclose anything that doesn't concern you. My views on relationships are inspired by the words of Thay Hanh on the Buddhist perspective: your spouse is an honored guest in your home and in your life. Guests are under no obligation to stay, and may leave or withdraw anything they bring into your life entirely free of blame or guilt. (I know when people bind themselves together financially it throws a bit of a cog into the ideal, but the general spirit of this idea can still be respected.) This lack of obligation extends, naturally, to disclosure of anything that does not concern you.
sparkindarkness's journal yesterday about if or when trans people are obliged to declare their trans status -- particularly in the case of someone who is post-operative transsexual who is beginning to date. I just wanted to distill some of the excellent points made.Here's where I stand: you do not have the right to demand that someone disclose that they are post-op transsexual, not even someone you're dating. It is none of your business, because it doesn't concern you. You have the right to expect disclosure on matters that do concern you, such as whether or not the person you are dating has an incurable contagious disease. But not on things that will not affect you or will not make any tangible impact on the relationship.
Dozens of people posted pretty much the same comment: that they would be disappointed if they were dating someone post-op transsexual who did not disclose. They see it as an honesty issue: whyyyy wouldn't the person I'm dating feel they could share everything with me?
Thing is, most trans people have been burned time and time again by people they loved and trusted and thought loved them in return. (I subscribe to Andrew Vachss' view on love, that love is the way you act rather than the way you say you feel, so to kick your child out of your house because you do not approve of how they identify is to show that you do not love them, no matter what words you say.) Disclosure could cost them everything, even though someone who is post-op transsexual probably views the matter as being resolved and therefore of little relevance even in their own lives.
(As a non-op transsexual I disclose quite early, but that's only because none of my options are really all that great, IMO.)
And to those who say, "Well, just don't form relationships with people who are not accepting," I would say (1) circumstances and options are not always that open, (2) people deserve love, touch, and affection, and are not required to hold out until they find the absolute perfect partner before receiving it, and (3) you might think you know how people will react but you can never know for sure.
Accepting what I'm saying here means accepting that the world is not a perfect place, and that relationships are not always ideal.
But there's also very good reasons why someone you're in a relationship with should not be "required" to disclose anything that doesn't concern you. My views on relationships are inspired by the words of Thay Hanh on the Buddhist perspective: your spouse is an honored guest in your home and in your life. Guests are under no obligation to stay, and may leave or withdraw anything they bring into your life entirely free of blame or guilt. (I know when people bind themselves together financially it throws a bit of a cog into the ideal, but the general spirit of this idea can still be respected.) This lack of obligation extends, naturally, to disclosure of anything that does not concern you.
