(no subject)

When i'm publically quiet in my journal, it's because i've reached a point where i've said pretty much everything i want to say. A lot of times lately i've started to write posts about one thing or another but stopped before posting, realizing i'd said it all before. At some point i'll think of something new, but in general, i don't like repeating myself.

The people in my new neighborhood don't give me weird stares. It finally dawned on me last night why.

the surrealness of transition, one year in

Originally published at Monstrous Regiment. You can comment here or there.

A little over one year into transition, and i have days where i’m not sure what it means anymore. It’s ike this looming thing in my life which was once solid and tangible has become ethereal. I used to be able to point to a specific set of thoughts and feelings and say, “This is why i am doing it,” but it’s not so clear anymore.

It has stretched out and taken root in every last corner of my life, so i don’t know where it starts and ends now. In my life now it manifests as a momentum with a life of its own which pulls me along even when i don’t know where it will lead next.

These are not good things or bad things, they just are.

I do know that a lot of the things i thought before transitioning were not accurate. For example, i thought that presenting as female in public some of the time gave me some preparation for what this would be like. Um, no.

Well, i mean certainly i had some experience in the kind of thing like knowing, “They’re saying ‘ma’am’… oh, they mean me“. But that’s trivial compared to what this is really like from moment to moment and day to day.

And it certainly didn’t prepare me for anything like feeling comfortable in my skin all day until the moment i go to the pharmacist to get a prescription filled out in my male name.

I do know, now, that perception is very elastic. There is a strange resilience in people’s capacity to gender someone. Pull it and it stretches, sometimes way out of shape. This resilience makes it easier for me to pass. But it also means people won’t hear me if i speak from certain points of view. This has been the hardest part of this to adjust to.

I do know that it costs me a lot of money, but it’s worth it and i would do it again.

I do know that it takes me longer to get ready in the morning but that it takes less effort, except for the days i don’t feel confident, in which case it takes more effort.

I do know that i wouldn’t go back.