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the importance of civility
Mar. 12th, 2005 10:24 amA few years ago, I was co-moderator of an online discussion group meant as a debate forum for men's activists ("masculists") and feminists.
Helping the Israelis and Palestinians talk things out might be like a vacation in comparison.
It was very instructive in several ways. One thing I took from that experience is the importance of being civil. There were times I had to scold list members for being uncivil, at which point I would get all manner of responses -- the most rare of which was contrition. The most interesting was this: "The real profanity here is [insert other person's views here]. You'll let their evil be propagated, but you won't let me say 'fuck'?"
And so, maybe it seems trite or petty to focus on someone's incivility when there is all manner of vehement debate going on. But what I learned was this: once civility is thrown out the window, it is much more difficult for people in a discussion to keep in mind each participant's common humanity. The other person is dehumanized a bit, made into an "opponent" rather than a "fellow human being." It may not be impossible for understanding or communication to occur after that, but it is much less likely. Incivility is the first step on the path to hatred; co-opt it, and you go a long way to co-opting hatred.
Brain science tells us that when we smile, even when we are unhappy, it forces the brain into a calmer and happier state. Breathing slowly and deeply when you are anxious forces the brain into a calmer state. And so it is with civility -- even when it is plastered on over vehemence, a veneer of civility maintains the chance that real understanding could take place.
I will admit that I have not always managed to be civil. I am not perfect; I try to make amends when I realize that I have been rude or condescending.
In my journal, I actively seek and welcome debate. My journal is a forum where I discuss my thoughts and research and thinking, and I find it keeps me from becoming too insular if there are people around who will point out my errors. Not everyone who comments here might want to debate their points (and they are not obligated to do so), but usually when one person backs out of a discussion, someone else will take up her or his side. And so it goes. But the requirement is -- and bear in mind I shouldn't really have to tell you this -- that people who comment in my journal are expected to strive for civility. I won't unfriend you or ban you at the first uncivil comment. I might after the second or third, though, especially if I have asked you to stop and you persist.
Helping the Israelis and Palestinians talk things out might be like a vacation in comparison.
It was very instructive in several ways. One thing I took from that experience is the importance of being civil. There were times I had to scold list members for being uncivil, at which point I would get all manner of responses -- the most rare of which was contrition. The most interesting was this: "The real profanity here is [insert other person's views here]. You'll let their evil be propagated, but you won't let me say 'fuck'?"
And so, maybe it seems trite or petty to focus on someone's incivility when there is all manner of vehement debate going on. But what I learned was this: once civility is thrown out the window, it is much more difficult for people in a discussion to keep in mind each participant's common humanity. The other person is dehumanized a bit, made into an "opponent" rather than a "fellow human being." It may not be impossible for understanding or communication to occur after that, but it is much less likely. Incivility is the first step on the path to hatred; co-opt it, and you go a long way to co-opting hatred.
Brain science tells us that when we smile, even when we are unhappy, it forces the brain into a calmer and happier state. Breathing slowly and deeply when you are anxious forces the brain into a calmer state. And so it is with civility -- even when it is plastered on over vehemence, a veneer of civility maintains the chance that real understanding could take place.
I will admit that I have not always managed to be civil. I am not perfect; I try to make amends when I realize that I have been rude or condescending.
In my journal, I actively seek and welcome debate. My journal is a forum where I discuss my thoughts and research and thinking, and I find it keeps me from becoming too insular if there are people around who will point out my errors. Not everyone who comments here might want to debate their points (and they are not obligated to do so), but usually when one person backs out of a discussion, someone else will take up her or his side. And so it goes. But the requirement is -- and bear in mind I shouldn't really have to tell you this -- that people who comment in my journal are expected to strive for civility. I won't unfriend you or ban you at the first uncivil comment. I might after the second or third, though, especially if I have asked you to stop and you persist.
