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A rant addressed to the world at large
Jan. 11th, 2005 10:59 amYou cannot possibly imagine what it is like to be transsexual. Unless you are transsexual, and even then you only get a cross-section of what it's like.
No matter what I say on the subject, I have no doubt that somewhere there is a transsexual person who will insist I've gotten it all wrong. I have no doubt, too, that some will debate even the idea that there is anything that I could meaningfully describe as "what it is like." But these twists and turns are part of it, because transsexuality is the point of paradox, the point where the Moebius strip is spliced back into itself and you can't tell anymore where one side ends and the other stops.
I'll try to clarify, but please forgive me if you wind up more confused when I'm done. Don't say I didn't warn you.
If you have heard of transsexuality, you probably think we are women trapped in men's bodies. Perhaps you have even heard that there are men trapped in women's bodies, too. But in my experience it is more accurate to say that we are transsexual people trapped in a dual-gendered society, shades of gray trapped in a black and white world.
I am not a woman trapped in a man's body. I am a "me" trapped in a world that seems to veer between sheer chaotic insanity on one hand and diabolical inhumanity on the other.
But, you know, I honestly don't see how anyone can be truly comfortable with being taken as a "man" or a "woman." The problem isn't acknowledging that there are differences between average members of either sex. The problem is concluding that people who are put into either pigeonhole must therefore have certain characteristics, certain abilities and certain disabilities. Our perceptions and expectations are flavored more by culture and memes than by the reality -- which is that differences between the sexes are much smaller than differences between individuals.
In social psychology class, I was taught that the very first thing we notice about a person is their gender. So much of our emotional and cognitive reaction to a person depends on this conclusion that we are disturbed when we encounter someone who doesn't fit. This is true even if our only interaction with a person is to walk past them on the street or subway.
If you've wondered about the accounts of transsexual people at any depth, you may have even asked, "How can they know? If someone is born with a male body and grows up as a boy, how can he [sic] possibly know he's 'really' a woman?" And the only thing I can really tell you is that I'm danged if I know. I'm as puzzled about this as you are, and I've spent years of deep introspection wondering about this, examining my emotional states, meditating, reading, researching. Every now and then some scientist will say something about abnormal hormonal levels during fetal gestation, or differences in brain structure, or pheromone self-comparisons, but these don't touch on the existential dilemma of gender dysphoria.
The best I can tell you is that I don't feel that I'm "'really' a woman." I don't feel comfortable bluntly insisting, "I am a woman." All I can say is that most of the time, "woman" is closer to me than "man," but neither of them will ever be right. I present that identity as the best of the two available options, and most of the people about whom I care seem to be able to fit this view into their lives seamlessly. But if you don't accept me as a 'woman,' fine; "transwoman" or even "freak of nature" is more accurate and I won't debate you. Even "freak" feels more right to me than "man."
None of this makes sense, but I'll tell you this. I'm here, and transsexuals have always been around, and the rest of the world is just going to have to cope with the fact of our existence.
No matter what I say on the subject, I have no doubt that somewhere there is a transsexual person who will insist I've gotten it all wrong. I have no doubt, too, that some will debate even the idea that there is anything that I could meaningfully describe as "what it is like." But these twists and turns are part of it, because transsexuality is the point of paradox, the point where the Moebius strip is spliced back into itself and you can't tell anymore where one side ends and the other stops.
I'll try to clarify, but please forgive me if you wind up more confused when I'm done. Don't say I didn't warn you.
If you have heard of transsexuality, you probably think we are women trapped in men's bodies. Perhaps you have even heard that there are men trapped in women's bodies, too. But in my experience it is more accurate to say that we are transsexual people trapped in a dual-gendered society, shades of gray trapped in a black and white world.
I am not a woman trapped in a man's body. I am a "me" trapped in a world that seems to veer between sheer chaotic insanity on one hand and diabolical inhumanity on the other.
But, you know, I honestly don't see how anyone can be truly comfortable with being taken as a "man" or a "woman." The problem isn't acknowledging that there are differences between average members of either sex. The problem is concluding that people who are put into either pigeonhole must therefore have certain characteristics, certain abilities and certain disabilities. Our perceptions and expectations are flavored more by culture and memes than by the reality -- which is that differences between the sexes are much smaller than differences between individuals.
In social psychology class, I was taught that the very first thing we notice about a person is their gender. So much of our emotional and cognitive reaction to a person depends on this conclusion that we are disturbed when we encounter someone who doesn't fit. This is true even if our only interaction with a person is to walk past them on the street or subway.
If you've wondered about the accounts of transsexual people at any depth, you may have even asked, "How can they know? If someone is born with a male body and grows up as a boy, how can he [sic] possibly know he's 'really' a woman?" And the only thing I can really tell you is that I'm danged if I know. I'm as puzzled about this as you are, and I've spent years of deep introspection wondering about this, examining my emotional states, meditating, reading, researching. Every now and then some scientist will say something about abnormal hormonal levels during fetal gestation, or differences in brain structure, or pheromone self-comparisons, but these don't touch on the existential dilemma of gender dysphoria.
The best I can tell you is that I don't feel that I'm "'really' a woman." I don't feel comfortable bluntly insisting, "I am a woman." All I can say is that most of the time, "woman" is closer to me than "man," but neither of them will ever be right. I present that identity as the best of the two available options, and most of the people about whom I care seem to be able to fit this view into their lives seamlessly. But if you don't accept me as a 'woman,' fine; "transwoman" or even "freak of nature" is more accurate and I won't debate you. Even "freak" feels more right to me than "man."
None of this makes sense, but I'll tell you this. I'm here, and transsexuals have always been around, and the rest of the world is just going to have to cope with the fact of our existence.
