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sophiaserpentiaSo, the tapes of Mel Gibson's rants against his girlfriend are starting to become publically available, and...
...well, lets just say that if I ever have to teach a class on verbal & emotional abuse, these tapes would provide an excellent classroom example.
Normal arguments last a few minutes, right? Sometimes longer, sometimes epically long, but not usually. There's some yelling back and forth, and then everyone's anger is spent, and you spend a while calming down and patching up and feeling vaguely sorry for the way you just spoke to the person you love. What makes arguments in a relationship tricky is that you're arguing with the person you usually go to for comfort when you're upset; so, you're mad at them and simultaneously looking for comfort, and simultaneously wanting to comfort them because, well, that's what you do when a person you love is upset.
That's not the way verbal abuse looks, though. You have on one hand someone who is raging, and will not stop raging no matter what conciliatory gestures you offer. The one who's raging is throwing insults in a demeaning tone, screaming, and threatening violence, while talking about how much he or she is the real victim here, because "can't you see what you do to me?" All someone can do in the face of this is to remain as utterly calm as possible, which the abuser takes as assent. There is nothing one can say or do that is the "right thing" that will make the screaming stop; say one thing, you are demeaned; say another thing, and you're picked apart for contradicting what you just said. The raging will continue until the abuser decides to stop; frequently it'll go on for hours.
And I say "decides to stop" because it is absolutely a choice to treat someone that way. They might scream at someone who works for them that way, or a cashier at a store, but they would never scream at their boss that way, or a cop, no matter how angry they were. So they are capable of controlling it; it's not a coincidence that it gets unleashed on someone with less power.
...well, lets just say that if I ever have to teach a class on verbal & emotional abuse, these tapes would provide an excellent classroom example.
Normal arguments last a few minutes, right? Sometimes longer, sometimes epically long, but not usually. There's some yelling back and forth, and then everyone's anger is spent, and you spend a while calming down and patching up and feeling vaguely sorry for the way you just spoke to the person you love. What makes arguments in a relationship tricky is that you're arguing with the person you usually go to for comfort when you're upset; so, you're mad at them and simultaneously looking for comfort, and simultaneously wanting to comfort them because, well, that's what you do when a person you love is upset.
That's not the way verbal abuse looks, though. You have on one hand someone who is raging, and will not stop raging no matter what conciliatory gestures you offer. The one who's raging is throwing insults in a demeaning tone, screaming, and threatening violence, while talking about how much he or she is the real victim here, because "can't you see what you do to me?" All someone can do in the face of this is to remain as utterly calm as possible, which the abuser takes as assent. There is nothing one can say or do that is the "right thing" that will make the screaming stop; say one thing, you are demeaned; say another thing, and you're picked apart for contradicting what you just said. The raging will continue until the abuser decides to stop; frequently it'll go on for hours.
And I say "decides to stop" because it is absolutely a choice to treat someone that way. They might scream at someone who works for them that way, or a cashier at a store, but they would never scream at their boss that way, or a cop, no matter how angry they were. So they are capable of controlling it; it's not a coincidence that it gets unleashed on someone with less power.
