what “impressionable” means

[sophiaserpentia]

Originally published at Monstrous Regiment. You can comment here or there.

This morning i had a jarring, chilling exposure to what the word “impressionable” really means.

My wife and i had to go to her son’s school this morning to deal with, well, the kinds of things kids do. All we knew was that the principal wanted to talk to her. I went along as moral support. We didn’t know they were going to drag her son into the room with us so that he could sit on one side of the room with four adults looking at him asking him about what happened. We had no idea we were going to be made into de facto accomplices.

And, to be fair, they didn’t grill him like interrogators. No, it was all maddeningly “reasonable.” It’s just that under any sort of scrutiny whatsoever he closes up, so we didn’t hear much at all of his side of what happened.

I’ve never seen anyone squirm so much in my life. And so, with him basically having been found guilty, we coached him through what he would say by way of apology and reassurance to the other aggrieved kids. To some extent that was appropriate, since kids are still learning about what it means to be an ethical person who respects other people’s boundaries.

But my wife and i were profoundly uncomfortable about the whole “words being put in his mouth” thing. And that’s all i saw everywhere i looked in the school. The “pledge of allegiance to the flag,” which was recited while we were there. Everywhere, ‘motivational’ posters with captions like “Curiosity: i choose to learn.”

The underlying message is, this is a place where we put words into your mouth. You know? I don’t think i’ve ever met a kid who had to be told to “choose to learn.”

When you’re a kid, you don’t have the liberty to choose what you want to do or say. You are told what you want to do or say. And it is often presented obliquely as if it is a desire coming from you, the kid. And when it is said this way often enough, and when you parrot it and get the appropriate reward, it sinks in. Really, really deeply.

It doesn’t matter whether or not kids understand what the pledge of allegiance is about. To them, it’s just dumb words that they have to repeat every morning… which they do in a droning, hypnotic, rhythmic monotone. But they do understand, on a basic level, that it is something they do to make the adults around them beam with pride (”What good, obedient, upstanding, patriotic kids we have!”) and to avoid punishment for not complying.

And much of this is about learning how to perform the gender we’ve been assigned.

Being in school helped remind me about how that worked when i was younger. I remember viewing adulthood as this barren wasteland where you wander around as a broken person, your dreams and individuality stunted beyond repair. I suppose that was my expectation because my preparation for adulthood consisted of this constant pressure to be someone-not-me, by way of the silencing of my own galla-voice and the replacement of it with something suitably “masculine.”

I remember, for example, eagerly joining the high school wrestling team after lots of input from my father about how much he had enjoyed it. I had never been a sporty kid, though being on the wrestling team was actually good for me in some ways. I wonder if people today look at my almost-thigh-length hair and somewhat femme presentation (minus, you know, the occasional stompy boots) and have any trouble picturing me grasping someone and pinning him to the mat?

But i would never have “wanted” to do that if it hadn’t been subtly put there, if it hadn’t been rewarded and encouraged once i said i wanted to do it.

On a bigger scale, this is why women’s “consent” to various kinds of things in a patriarchal society can be so sketchy sometimes.

But this leads into troubling territory because i’m wondering how we can distinguish between “educating” a kid (enabling their cognition while also respecting their identity and will) versus putting our thoughts into their heads and our words in their mouths. Kids don’t always know how to make decisions, it’s one of the things they’re still learning, and they sometimes have to be guided to a decision. (Or… light bulb comes on… do they?)

Comments

[azaz-al.livejournal.com]

"If you are in the hall, stop where you are right now and recite the pledge."

[cowgrrl.livejournal.com]

"I choose to learn"

Ha! What a crock! They "choose" to "learn" what is necessary for them to pass the MCAS.

[gramina.livejournal.com]

I think it's important to remember that sometimes kids don't, in fact, get to decide; pretending they get to decide is more of a problem, imo, than openly making the decision they have to live with. They have to get educated, they have to go to the doctor and dentist, they have to do lots of stuff they don't want to, and that's not wrong. But trying to pretend that they're choosing -- whether they would in fact choose to do those things or not -- can I think be damaging.

Does that make sense?

[cowgrrl.livejournal.com]

And suddenly the following song pops into my head. (And yes I know the tune and can sing/play it.)

What Did You Learn in School Today?

Words and Music by Tom Paxton

What did you learn in school today,
Dear little boy of mine?
What did you learn in school today,
Dear little boy of mine?
I learned that Washington never told a lie.
I learned that soldiers seldom die.
I learned that everybody's free.
And that's what the teacher said to me.
That's what I learned in school today.
That's what I learned in school.

What did you learn in school today,
Dear little boy of mine?
What did you learn in school today,
Dear little boy of mine?
I learned that policemen are my friends.
I learned that justice never ends.
I learned that murderers die for their crimes.
Even if we make a mistake sometimes.
That's what I learned in school today.
That's what I learned in school.

What did you learn in school today,
Dear little boy of mine?
What did you learn in school today,
Dear little boy of mine?
I learned our government must be strong.
It's always right and never wrong.
Our leaders are the finest men.
And we elect them again and again.
That's what I learned in school today.
That's what I learned in school.

What did you learn in school today,
Dear little boy of mine?
What did you learn in school today,
Dear little boy of mine?
I learned that war is not so bad.
I learned of the great ones we have had.
We fought in Germany and in France.
And some day I might get my chance.
That's what I learned in school today.
That's what I learned in school.

[gramina.livejournal.com]

I don't know what your state may have in the way of virtual public education (or how old the kidlet is, and whether being alone during the day is practical for him yet), but Washington has an interesting Virtual Academy (http://www.wava.org/) program, and they curriculum they use is available nationwide, I think -- here's their home page (http://www.k12.com/index.html).

Worth considering, anyway, depending on your circumstances.

[lassiter.livejournal.com]

This article may seem only peripherally relevant, but I think it's all part of the same wrong direction in child-rearing.

[fuzzybutchkins.livejournal.com]

Interesting. I stopped saying the pledge when I was 12, as I objected to the "under god" bit and the pledging my allegiance to a flag bit. Makes no more sense to me now than it did then. I never got in trouble for it at school, though my mom whacked me the first time i didn't say it in her presence.

Also, there is nothing unfemme about stompy boots.

[alobar.livejournal.com]

> they sometimes have to be guided to a decision.
> (Or… light bulb comes on… do they?)

Ithaca NY was a very progressive town when I lived there 30-40 years ago. The public school system set up an alternative grade school for kids who did not do well in regular school. No dress codes. No codes about hair length of "gender appropriateness". I knew a gal who was a teacher there. Rather than many different discrete "subjects" her "projects" lasted for months, and dealt with many different "subjects" all locked into the projects. She found that by teaching material in an interconnected way that her kids rarely lost attention. Sometimes they wanted to continue class during lunch hour because they were hungry to learn more. Class was fun for them.

She was teaching US geography when I got an earful of what she was up to. The class project was to design a cross country motorcycle trek thru the US. The kids knew the motorcycle part was a fiction, and they would not get to go anywhere, but it grabbed their attention. What little kid would not leap on that sort of fiction?

First, kids did research and presented reports to the class which showed all the neat things one could see in various places. Then the class became an open discussion group where they pared the list of possible places down to a manageable handful. Then the class was guided in deciding their route to include all the items on the list, with the possibility to add in some of the places which had not made the final list, if they could be added without going too far out of the way. Kids learning to reach a group consensus while having fun was a spiffy combo for her to be guiding.

Lots of work with road atlases. They broke into 6 small small groups, each one taking a different leg of the journey. The groups then reported back to the class for general discussion.

Then came the math part. The class had to figure out how many miles between overnight camping spots. They needed to compute how much gasoline they would need, how to make a budget for meals, gas, tolls, etc.

Then they were assigned the task of learning about motorcycle maintenance. How to change oil. How to lube & grease. How to adjust the carburetor. Etc. Kids made after school field trips to motorcycle garages, read books from the library, talked with family members who owned or used to own bikes.

They then had to figure out how to pack lunches, how to make simple meals on a campfire each night, how to shop for foods without going over budget, etc.

When the project was completed, the teacher had a big surprise for the class. My friend Carl brought his big-ass motorcycle to the schoolyard. The class all went out to watch Carl drive around the yard. Then each kid got a turn riding with Carl in the schoolyard. They spent the entire day riding around in circles. Carl told me he got very dizzy going around and around the small schoolyard all day long, but the kids loved it.

At the end of the day, with the bike quite hot, the kids then helped Carl to check the oil, fill up the gas tank from a jerry can he had bought. One kid extracted the spark plugs, scrubbed them clean with a wire brush, the re-gapped them. Carl was dubious at first so he kept an eye on the kid. Carl told me he was impressed by the kid's expertise. I believe these kids were in fourth grade.

He brought the bike back the next day. The kids then washed and waxed his bike without assistance. Carl was impressed with the job they did.

As I wrote earlier, the alternative school was set up for troubled kids who tended to get into fights, not learn, and were in danger of flunking regular school. Many were poor black kids with family problems. As word of the school spread, many Cornell profs enrolled their kids in the school too. So the diversity in classes was great. All the kids prospered.

[moomlyn.livejournal.com]

And when it is said this way often enough, and when you parrot it and get the appropriate reward, it sinks in. Really, really deeply.

Proof by repetition.
If you say something enough times, then it becomes true.
A favourite amongst marketeting departments.

I remember viewing adulthood as this barren wasteland where you wander around as a broken person, your dreams and individuality stunted beyond repair.

I remember viewing adulthood in a simmilar light. Actually, I think I still do view it that way.

my preparation for adulthood consisted of this constant pressure to be someone-not-me, by way of the silencing of my own galla-voice and the replacement of it with something suitably “masculine.”

I think this goes much deeper than a gender issue.
Telling children who they are, rather than asking.

My experience of being educated was a relentless attempt to stamp out anything in the way of natural diversity which may have existed between us as children.

Education should be about finding out who you are, and growing into yourself.

Instead it seems to be about learning how to play some pre-determined role so well that most people don't even realize they're just acting out a part which they were taught to play. This may be a gender role, but not necessarily.

[dorisp.livejournal.com]

I remember being taught that my proper gender role as a female was to be bubbly, outgoing, perky, complacent and never bookish. This was a problem for me as an introverted but opinionated little girl who loved to read. I've struggled to accept those parts of myself for most of my life as a result.