sophiaserpentia (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sophiaserpentia) wrote2007-10-19 03:42 pm
sophiaserpentia) wrote2007-10-19 03:42 pm
Entry tags:
november 21, 2003
I'm not really quite sure what compelled me to look this up, but it's been kind of in the back of my mind lately.
I kept a journal of my sexual life in NOLA. It was separate from this one; some of you knew about it, most of you didn't. I hid a lot of things even from that somewhat anonymous outlet, because a lot of things i did i was ashamed of at the time, and many of them i still feel very ambivalent about and kind of hurt by.
This was the entry in that journal for November 22, 2003.
I'm glad i kept this, instead of deleting the journal as i thought i might when i moved here. It's helpful to have a window on what i was thinking and feeling during that time in my life. With this particularly. I am proud of the way i handled it. I remember... keeping a cool head and not panicking. I remember... looking for a safe way to pacify him and protect myself in the process. I remember... seeking a chance to escape and taking it.
I re-read this journal entry and wish i could go back in time and give a hug to the woman who wrote it. I would tell her that it is going to be okay, and this would be the truth; the four years since have been among the best of my life. I would tell her that i did not judge anything that she did or felt. I would tell her that she is a powerful survivor adrift in a sea of powerful currents she could not yet perceive or understand, but would begin to.
Now if i can just tell myself these things, and have them sink in....
I kept a journal of my sexual life in NOLA. It was separate from this one; some of you knew about it, most of you didn't. I hid a lot of things even from that somewhat anonymous outlet, because a lot of things i did i was ashamed of at the time, and many of them i still feel very ambivalent about and kind of hurt by.
This was the entry in that journal for November 22, 2003.
I'm extremely confused this morning.
Last night I found myself in a situation where I was afraid for my life. I performed a favor out of the fear that if I didn't, something worse would happen.
I doubt the police can or would do anything about it. I didn't get any identifying information, I was acting silly as it was by being out alone late, I never said "No" at any point, and a condom was used.
Yet as I play the events back in my mind, the strongest reaction I'm having is... arousal.
That's not right, is it?
I was sexually assaulted, but the whole thing is a powerful turn on.
Is this some kind of self-destructive impulse coming to the surface? In fact, I almost wonder if I didn't, on some level below my awareness, willingly seek out this situation. How bizarre!
I'm glad i kept this, instead of deleting the journal as i thought i might when i moved here. It's helpful to have a window on what i was thinking and feeling during that time in my life. With this particularly. I am proud of the way i handled it. I remember... keeping a cool head and not panicking. I remember... looking for a safe way to pacify him and protect myself in the process. I remember... seeking a chance to escape and taking it.
I re-read this journal entry and wish i could go back in time and give a hug to the woman who wrote it. I would tell her that it is going to be okay, and this would be the truth; the four years since have been among the best of my life. I would tell her that i did not judge anything that she did or felt. I would tell her that she is a powerful survivor adrift in a sea of powerful currents she could not yet perceive or understand, but would begin to.
Now if i can just tell myself these things, and have them sink in....