the best of both worlds

[sophiaserpentia]

Originally published at Monstrous Regiment. You can comment here or there.

I’ve often felt that, with regards to what we can bring to feminism in terms of our experience and our awareness, that transfolk have a unique contribution to make and are in a way the best of both worlds.

Oh, i don’t mean that in the creepy sense that we’re so used to hearing it from trans-fetishizers. But let me give you an example of what i mean.

I participate in a number of feminist forums online. With reasonable regularity men come along, and their reactions are so similar, so predictable, that feminists like Ginmar have joked about making bingo cards. But you know, in the 90’s that was me; i was the guy going to feminist forums and making all of the same predictable comments. “But not me!” “But patriarchy hurts men too.” “But most victims of violence are male.” “But men get raped too.” “But how can you attribute motivations to me that defy my own experience?” And so on.

Having heard these objections many times already, and taking them to be tactics of dismissal, feminists often react kind of harshly. And men who say these things in feminist contexts usually leave feeling they’ve been excoriated.

What’s going on here is that feminism, beyond being a collection of views and theories and actvist movements, is at its heart a different way of communicating. It takes time, and a willingness to listen, to grok this. In large part, feminist forums are about giving voice to thoughts and feelings which are silenced everywhere else. The purpose is to allow women, who have been told all their lives to shut out certain ways of thinking, to learn how to think feminist thoughts and express them. These thoughts are not always rationally perfect or grounded in evidence; sometimes they carry a lot of anger; but women have to be allowed to express them anyway, because they can’t anywhere else, and because it’s the only way for them to learn about sexism in a more nuanced way.

Most guys come to feminist forums not really having experienced what it is like to be silenced on account of their gender, to be expected to defer and placate. They are used to “debate” and have been raised on the idea of “the free marketplace of ideas.” Feminist forums are not a place for debate so much as they are a place for mentoring. Sometimes women say outrageous things there; but such things are said and we sit with them because women need somewhere to express their feelings and experiences if they are ever going to learn more seasoned forms of expression.

It’s not just men who have to learn how to listen to anger in feminist settings. I’ve had a number of women tell me, when i asked them why they hate feminists, something like this: “Oh, a feminist once told me i’m betraying womankind by marrying a man and being a stay at home mother!” Well, yeah, sometimes statements like that are made in feminist forums. But you learn over time to see such words in the way they’re meant; you don’t take them personally, but instead you listen to the anger and look for the source of it. I’ve never met a seasoned feminist who would make a statement like that; but maybe they did when they were just setting out on this journey. Instead it sounds very much like something one says when they are just starting, after a lifetime of never being allowed, to express their rage at the scope of sexism.

Anyways, men, however well-meaning they may be, have to understand that when they bring debate and nitpicking and exceptions and logical analysis to feminist forums, this feels to everyone else there like a projection into feminist space of the misogynistic methods of silencing they came there to escape. Telling someone “You’re wrong, here’s why,” is not really the way people learn in feminist forums. So they find themselves becoming instant lightning rods. It’s not pleasant for anyone concerned.

Before i stopped being “offended-almost-feminist-guy” i had to shut up and listen, a lot. I was fortunate in this regard to have a feminist partner who was willing to take the time to explain things to me. It wasn’t really her job to do that; but she cared enough to, and i am grateful.

The feminist woman i am today looks upon the almost-feminist guy i used to be with compassion, and sees him in every guy who comes to a feminist forum where i participate. I know the way he thinks — or at least the way he thinks he thinks. I see it as a kind of special contribution i can make, some good i can make out of my unusual experience, to take the time to explain to him why he just needs to listen for now.