I had a jolt in the last week when I realized that for pretty much everything the Bible says except for the love-oriented words of Jesus, I either have metaphorical "it can't really mean that" interpretations or just reject it. Even just "getting back to the Bible" can't get you away from the perversions and injustice and hatred, too, which you know far better than I do (cf. your last entry on removing women from the Bible).

I know what you mean about Christianity feeling like home, even though my issues with it have not been the same as yours, or as long and hard of a struggle. It's hard to know what's true, except for what we know to be true by our own consciences. But you are right, the kindgom of heaven does belong to all, and I think we do have enough good in us to see when something is good and beautiful, and to see when something makes the earth a little tiny miniscule bit closer to it. I've rejected the idea that conversion or salvation can be sudden, I am sure that both are lifelong deals if anything (at least for some of us). My biggest steps seem to come when I do think or do something new about spreading justice and compassion, or when I see that very strongly in someone who is Christian, so your trajectory idea seems true to me. When I am feeling cheesy, I think of it as that to become closer to God's love we have to become instruments of love and justice for others.